Sister Wives Rant

Does anyone else remember when TLC was actually a learning channel. Lately it's devolved into a series of reality shows about little people, the Amish, Gypsies, morbidly obese people, and polygamists. Speaking of polygamists, the New York Times recently named the Brown Family as the face of polygamy. The Brown's are the stars of TLC's Sister Wives. Sister Wives documents the ups and downs of infamous polygamist Kody Brown, his four wives, Meri, Christine, Janelle, and Robyn, and their seventeen children.

I've never been a fan of Sister Wives. I watched the first episode out of curiosity years ago and quickly lost interest. I didn't find any of the wives particularly interesting and Kody was just plain annoying. A couple of weeks ago TLC had a Sister Wives marathon and somehow I got sucked in. Here's what I realized.

Kody Brown

www.tlc.com

Kody Brown is a douche bag. Yeah, I said it. Mr. Brown portrays himself as the energetic, smirky husband who runs himself ragged trying to divide his time between his four wives and 17 children.   Why four women would find this man attractive is beyond me. His hair alone makes me want to vomit. It's part surfer, part Little Dutch Boy, and obviously a means of hiding his rapidly receding hairline. To be fair if I had 17 kids I'd probably be going bald as well. Then there are his smug comments. My favorite was "Everyone knows I'm an alpha male." The fact that you have to say it Kody, means your penis is microscopic.

Meri

www.tlc.com

All of Kody's wives are miserable. Let's start with Meri, the first wife. Meri presents as a slightly bloated, depressed woman who seems so beaten down by life that it hurts to watch. She breaks down crying in almost every episode. It seems no one really likes Meri so she is forced to align herself with Robyn, the newest wife.

Christine

www.tlc.com

Then there is Christine. According to Kody she is the mischief maker. She's also the one who threw a hissy fit when Kody designed personalized jewelry for each of the wives. Christine disliked the dark etching on her pendant and couldn't hide her disdain. She also complained when Kody took an extended honeymoon with fourth wife, Robyn. Jealous and insecure, she confessed that she never had a graduation party and was never cool in school. I guess the low self esteem carried over into her adult life and propelled her straight into the arms of Kody Brown.

Janelle

www.tlc.com

Next is Janelle, the sister wife that seems to have the most going for her. She works, possibly in real estate, and seems to have a backbone. She claims that she won't take crap from Kody, but we all know she probably does. And she probably eats to compensate for her deep unhappiness. Janelle is obese. Lately she has been working with a personal trainer. In one particularly boring episode she takes a sledge hammer to her bathroom scale. Janelle buddies up with sister wife Christine. Chubby girls unite!

Robyn

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Robyn is the newest and youngest wife. Burned by monogamy, she claims she chose the polygamist lifestyle. Robyn is the pleaser who tries to placate her three whiny, angry, sister wives. She also seems acutely aware that she is the most attractive and probably Kody's favorite - for now.  Because of this, she tries her best to blend into the background. In some ways I feel for her the most. It must be a living hell putting up with those angry, jealous bitches.

So are the Brown's really the poster children for polygamy? I don't think so. There are cracks in their Brady Bunch facade. Frankly they seem on the verge of imploding. And for that very reason I might continue to watch. Besides Mystic Mona predicted that Kody will take a fifth wife, much to the chagrin of his other four wives. I can't wait for that drama.

P.S. I'm really not a hater. I wish the best for the Brown family. I just don't believe that you are truly happy.