1. Teachers are deeply unhappy people. It seems counterintuitive. Aren't teachers supposed to be passionate, energetic people who want to make a difference? Many educators do start out this way but almost always hit a wall by the five year mark. It's what I like to call "The Edna Krabappel Effect," named after Bart Simpson's burned out fourth grade elementary school teacher. Long hours, No Child Left Behind, a plethora of new teaching methods that are constantly crammed down their throats, and one too many pain in the ass students, turn the best intentioned teachers into deeply embittered, lonely, borderline alcoholics. If you reflect upon your own academic career you can probably think of a few educators who fit this stereotype.
2. If there is a male teacher in the building, he is probably screwing one or more of the female teachers. This is especially true at the elementary level, where men are scarce. As the old adage goes, in the land of the blind cats, the one eyed cat is king. Well, in a sea of lonely female teachers, the lone male teacher will bone everyone. Unbeknownst to many, love triangles and quadrangles are playing out in the hallways of your child's school. And things can get quite messy. I've seen divorces, broken engagements, out of wedlock pregnancies, and full on Jerry Springer style fights over the lone, usually not terribly attractive, male.
3. The men in education are not the sharpest knives in the drawer. Shocked? Don't be. After nearly a decade of working in education I can safely say that practically every male I met was borderline retarded. Here's why: Talk to any educator and they will bemoan the need for positive male role models. Again this is especially apparent at the elementary level. Basically if you have a dick, can throw a ball around with some "at risk" children, and can string together a few sentences, you're hired! Bonus points if you are a minority. And not only that, your route to becoming an administrator is paved with gold. I've witnessed far too many glad handler types with no organizational skills, and sub-par intelligence rise to administrator levels. Some even win the coveted Principal of the Year Award.
4. There is a secret war between classroom teachers and specialists (Art, Music, PE, Guidance, SPED). As the years go by and the "Edna Krabappel Effect" sets in, teachers turn their bitter rage towards their fellow coworkers. Somehow being locked away with bratty children creates a feeling of entitlement and delusion about their worth in the school and in the world. Classroom teachers convince themselves that only their job matters. "Specialists are lazy and don't do anything!" becomes the rallying cry at every faculty meeting. Soon the delusions of grandeur manifest into all out acts of war. I've witnessed classroom teachers sabotage specialists by hiding equipment such as smart board pens or remote controls, purposely pick up students late from their specials thus backing up a specialist's schedule, and purposely interrupt and annoy specialists (usually SPED) who are unfortunate enough to have to work in a classroom teacher's room.
5. Teachers will label you and your family and make fun of you accordingly. Every family that enrolls in a school develops a reputation. For instance, there is the helicopter mom, the crack head mom, the divorced, always on the make dad, the neighborhood gossip, and the litigious freak who will bully the teacher into grade changes. Beware your interactions with your child's teacher because your child will be labeled and it will impact his or her chances at landing a "good" teacher next school year. You see, at the end of every school year, your child's teacher participates in closed door meetings to "place" their current students with teachers in the next grade level. The children are sorted in a number of ways--by intelligence, temperament, socioeconomic condition, and unofficially, by the sanity of their parents. When it is time to allocate students to the next grade level, teachers go through a variety of gyrations to woo the best (i.e. the smartest, well behaved students) and avoid the worst (academically low, poorly behaved students who often have equally stupid and crazy parents). Word of mouth is powerful. If you or your child is labeled a pain in the ass, some of the best teachers will pull out all the stops to avoid having your kid in class. As a result your kid may end up in a brand new teacher's room (could be good or bad) or with a beta teacher, usually the one with horrible classroom management.
So the next time you roll into your neighborhood school to drop off a kid, take a moment to really look around. You might just notice the sheepish glances between the PE stud and the naive Kindergarten teacher he banged or the hangover your child's teacher is trying to hide. There's always something brewing behind the scenes.
3. The men in education are not the sharpest knives in the drawer. Shocked? Don't be. After nearly a decade of working in education I can safely say that practically every male I met was borderline retarded. Here's why: Talk to any educator and they will bemoan the need for positive male role models. Again this is especially apparent at the elementary level. Basically if you have a dick, can throw a ball around with some "at risk" children, and can string together a few sentences, you're hired! Bonus points if you are a minority. And not only that, your route to becoming an administrator is paved with gold. I've witnessed far too many glad handler types with no organizational skills, and sub-par intelligence rise to administrator levels. Some even win the coveted Principal of the Year Award.
4. There is a secret war between classroom teachers and specialists (Art, Music, PE, Guidance, SPED). As the years go by and the "Edna Krabappel Effect" sets in, teachers turn their bitter rage towards their fellow coworkers. Somehow being locked away with bratty children creates a feeling of entitlement and delusion about their worth in the school and in the world. Classroom teachers convince themselves that only their job matters. "Specialists are lazy and don't do anything!" becomes the rallying cry at every faculty meeting. Soon the delusions of grandeur manifest into all out acts of war. I've witnessed classroom teachers sabotage specialists by hiding equipment such as smart board pens or remote controls, purposely pick up students late from their specials thus backing up a specialist's schedule, and purposely interrupt and annoy specialists (usually SPED) who are unfortunate enough to have to work in a classroom teacher's room.
5. Teachers will label you and your family and make fun of you accordingly. Every family that enrolls in a school develops a reputation. For instance, there is the helicopter mom, the crack head mom, the divorced, always on the make dad, the neighborhood gossip, and the litigious freak who will bully the teacher into grade changes. Beware your interactions with your child's teacher because your child will be labeled and it will impact his or her chances at landing a "good" teacher next school year. You see, at the end of every school year, your child's teacher participates in closed door meetings to "place" their current students with teachers in the next grade level. The children are sorted in a number of ways--by intelligence, temperament, socioeconomic condition, and unofficially, by the sanity of their parents. When it is time to allocate students to the next grade level, teachers go through a variety of gyrations to woo the best (i.e. the smartest, well behaved students) and avoid the worst (academically low, poorly behaved students who often have equally stupid and crazy parents). Word of mouth is powerful. If you or your child is labeled a pain in the ass, some of the best teachers will pull out all the stops to avoid having your kid in class. As a result your kid may end up in a brand new teacher's room (could be good or bad) or with a beta teacher, usually the one with horrible classroom management.
So the next time you roll into your neighborhood school to drop off a kid, take a moment to really look around. You might just notice the sheepish glances between the PE stud and the naive Kindergarten teacher he banged or the hangover your child's teacher is trying to hide. There's always something brewing behind the scenes.
