Sister Wives Rant

Does anyone else remember when TLC was actually a learning channel. Lately it's devolved into a series of reality shows about little people, the Amish, Gypsies, morbidly obese people, and polygamists. Speaking of polygamists, the New York Times recently named the Brown Family as the face of polygamy. The Brown's are the stars of TLC's Sister Wives. Sister Wives documents the ups and downs of infamous polygamist Kody Brown, his four wives, Meri, Christine, Janelle, and Robyn, and their seventeen children.

I've never been a fan of Sister Wives. I watched the first episode out of curiosity years ago and quickly lost interest. I didn't find any of the wives particularly interesting and Kody was just plain annoying. A couple of weeks ago TLC had a Sister Wives marathon and somehow I got sucked in. Here's what I realized.

Kody Brown

www.tlc.com

Kody Brown is a douche bag. Yeah, I said it. Mr. Brown portrays himself as the energetic, smirky husband who runs himself ragged trying to divide his time between his four wives and 17 children.   Why four women would find this man attractive is beyond me. His hair alone makes me want to vomit. It's part surfer, part Little Dutch Boy, and obviously a means of hiding his rapidly receding hairline. To be fair if I had 17 kids I'd probably be going bald as well. Then there are his smug comments. My favorite was "Everyone knows I'm an alpha male." The fact that you have to say it Kody, means your penis is microscopic.

Meri

www.tlc.com

All of Kody's wives are miserable. Let's start with Meri, the first wife. Meri presents as a slightly bloated, depressed woman who seems so beaten down by life that it hurts to watch. She breaks down crying in almost every episode. It seems no one really likes Meri so she is forced to align herself with Robyn, the newest wife.

Christine

www.tlc.com

Then there is Christine. According to Kody she is the mischief maker. She's also the one who threw a hissy fit when Kody designed personalized jewelry for each of the wives. Christine disliked the dark etching on her pendant and couldn't hide her disdain. She also complained when Kody took an extended honeymoon with fourth wife, Robyn. Jealous and insecure, she confessed that she never had a graduation party and was never cool in school. I guess the low self esteem carried over into her adult life and propelled her straight into the arms of Kody Brown.

Janelle

www.tlc.com

Next is Janelle, the sister wife that seems to have the most going for her. She works, possibly in real estate, and seems to have a backbone. She claims that she won't take crap from Kody, but we all know she probably does. And she probably eats to compensate for her deep unhappiness. Janelle is obese. Lately she has been working with a personal trainer. In one particularly boring episode she takes a sledge hammer to her bathroom scale. Janelle buddies up with sister wife Christine. Chubby girls unite!

Robyn

www.tlc.com

Robyn is the newest and youngest wife. Burned by monogamy, she claims she chose the polygamist lifestyle. Robyn is the pleaser who tries to placate her three whiny, angry, sister wives. She also seems acutely aware that she is the most attractive and probably Kody's favorite - for now.  Because of this, she tries her best to blend into the background. In some ways I feel for her the most. It must be a living hell putting up with those angry, jealous bitches.

So are the Brown's really the poster children for polygamy? I don't think so. There are cracks in their Brady Bunch facade. Frankly they seem on the verge of imploding. And for that very reason I might continue to watch. Besides Mystic Mona predicted that Kody will take a fifth wife, much to the chagrin of his other four wives. I can't wait for that drama.

P.S. I'm really not a hater. I wish the best for the Brown family. I just don't believe that you are truly happy.

Fit Shaming

Now that I have officially joined the mommy brigade, I've become privy to an interesting phenomenon; something I call fit shaming. Fit shaming occurs when a woman, usually a mom, becomes so enraged by another woman's recent weight loss or quick bounce back from a pregnancy that they feel the need to actively hate on them.

Nothing gets moms more fired up than the topic of post baby bodies. There are typically two very passionate reactions. One group of mommies will cite society's unhealthy obsession over weight and body image and rage against US Weekly for putting new celebrity moms on the cover of their magazines wearing bikinis. The other group of moms will simply admit that they want to bounce back from their pregnancy and have aggressively started an eating and exercising regime to get there. The "fit shamers" tend to fall into the first category. They also tend to be a little overweight.

I first encountered fit shaming many years ago, before I had a child. I used to work at elementary school in a very upper middle class neighborhood. Long, lithe mommies in skinny jeans and hooker boots were not an uncommon site. So while making small talk in the copy room I casually mentioned how I thought one of my student's moms looked amazing. This particular mom had just given birth to twins and was rocking a Victoria's Secret body. No joke. But instead of a nod of agreement, I got awkward silence. Crickets. Then another coworker, who happened to overhear my comment, playfully grabbed my elbow, leaned in and whispered, "If I had $5000 for a tummy tuck I'd look just as good." A hearty round of fit shaming ensued.

Then there's the Maria Kang incident. If you don't already know, Maria Kang, a mother of three, posted the following picture to her Facebook.

www.facebook.com/MariaMKang

Chaos ensued. It seemed every morning news show was debating the "What's your excuse?" tag line. Angry women across the country were screaming into microphones about unrealistic body image and fat shaming. Really? I'm a new mom but I wasn't exactly enraged when I saw the post. Was it obnoxious? Sure. But there are tons of obnoxious Facebook posts. We all have that one "friend" who posts inappropriate bikini pictures or status updates like, "I actually lost 5 lbs on vacation!" Who gives a shit.

Then last Saturday my phone started to blow up. I was looped in a group message by some mommy friends. It went something like this:

Mom1: Leslie from Yo Gabba Gabba lost like a 100 lbs. Makes me want to slit my fat wrists.

Mom2: Has to be gastric bypass surgery.

Mom1: I hate Leslie. Let's throw rocks at her or better yet, bacon.

For the record I've never watched an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba. My son is thankfully too young to be interested in that craziness. Besides, Muno looks like a giant infected penis. Gah!

http://yogabbagabba.com

I think you get the idea. So why am I writing this post? I was recently on the receiving end of some  fit shaming.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't want to be a fat, frumpy mom. Honestly, who does? So when I started posting healthy recipes and fitness routines on Pinterest I was shocked by the backlash I got from a close friend. She insinuated that worrying about post baby weight was selfish and that I should focus on being a parent instead. "You will never get your pre-baby body back," she said. "Those people that do have nannies and personal trainers." Basically she wanted me to drink the fat mom Kool Aid and start shopping at Lane Bryant. Sorry I don't buy it. I'm pretty sure you can workout, eat well and still be a great parent. So stop hating people. Some of us just want to look good. You can too.

Delicate Gold Jewelry

I am addicted to bling. There, I said it. Whether it's high end or vintage, handmade, or a thrift store find, jewelry makes me very happy. So why all the fuss about baubles? I view it as an investment. A nice piece of jewelry is timeless.

Lately I've been obsessing over delicate, gold pieces. Jennifer Zeuner is probably to blame. Her simple gold bar necklaces, Hamsa, and evil eye pendants have been featured in magazines like Elle, In Style and Seventeen. But spending several hundred dollars on a trendy necklace is not always possible when you are a stay at home mom on a budget. So below I've compiled my practical versions of the delicate gold jewelry trend. Enjoy!

Let's start with the bar necklace. I found this adorable piece at Nordstrom. And for $22.00, the price is right.

Bonnie Jonas Bar Necklace $22.00

 Nordstrom.com

I love Etsy! It's a great place to find unique jewelry at reasonable prices. I recently ordered a wire name necklace. Stassi Schroeder from Vanderpump Rules wears a similar piece.

14 Karat Gold Filled Wire Name Necklace $25.00

Etsy via wireinitaljewelry

Finally, I just discovered Earthy Chic jewelry. Not only can you find a wide variety of pieces, but a percentage of all purchases go towards Earthy Chic's featured charities. 

Rose Gold Overlay Bow Necklace $25.00

Earthy Chic

Birthday Party Hell

Last week an invitation arrived in the mail addressed to my 10 month old son. The card was emblazoned with a goofy dinosaur and accompanied by a rhyme about turning one. Initially I was quite proud. My little one was already being invited to parties, a sure sign that I must be parenting successfully. Then I started to wonder, how do you celebrate a one year old's birthday? I envisioned the kid parties of my youth filled with cake and ice cream, party hats, streamers, and a spirited rendition of Happy Birthday. You can imagine my shock when I walked into what I can only describe as birthday party hell.

Let's start at the beginning. We were late. We weren't super late, but just late enough to walk into an already overflowing home. A sign posted on the door asked the guests to kindly leave their shoes outside. A quick glance revealed why. The house was absolutely spotless. I could see my reflection in the hardwood floors and the carpeting in the living and dining rooms were a dazzling shade of white. It was hard to believe that any human, let alone toddler inhabited this home. I grudgingly kicked off my ballet flats. My feet were well past due for a pedicure. I was already ashamed.

My husband, son, and I proceeded to the living room where we were met with disinterested looks from fellow parents. I made a beeline for the host, the only adult I knew. It wasn't that easy. All around me were pretentious parents cradling babies with hip, up and coming names like Cadence, or overly pretentious ones like Aleister. And they were all dressed to the nines. My son was sporting his signature sock monkey hat and stained grey pants. We stuck out like a sore thumb.

I craned my neck searching for presents, hats or anything that would indicate that this was indeed a child's party. There wasn't any. Instead there was a swatch of carpet strewn with eco friendly, educational toys. Exotic looking babies poked at an assortment of play things made from recycled milk jugs while their pin thin mothers boasted about their baby's achievements. Cadence is learning Mandarin and already a prodigy, one woman proudly announced. I didn't hear the Mandarin but the drooling prodigy seemed quite content gnawing on a wooden block.

Despite my best efforts, I never did make it to the host. The doorbell rang and the entertainment  arrived. Yes, entertainment. But this wasn't just any entertainment it was "her." Flowing peasant skirt, hair long overdue for a wash, and a guitar slung over bare shoulders that were adorned with colorful tatoos. Unbeknownst to me this tatted songstress had a huge following among the mommy crowd and was famous for her brain expanding folk tunes. After a long exaggerated sigh, she adjusted her guitar  and began to sing. My son, who I was carrying, immediately began arching is back and wailing like he was being water boarded. Who could blame him?  Her song sounded as good as Phoebe's rendition of "Smelly Cat" on Friends. I could feel the icy cold stares from the other parents. I muttered something about a dirty diaper and made my way to the kitchen.

To my surprise there was another mother cradling a baby. A kindred spirit? Was her child averse to brain expanding folk tunes as well? I approached slowly and introduced myself. She had an 11 month old son. I'm sure she told me his name but I honestly can't remember.  It was something unusual like Tobias or Phlox. All I could think of was dentures. The kid was already sporting a full set of teeth. Dentures was busily chomping on what appeared to be cereal from a tin. "Cheerios,"I asked, trying to make small talk.

"Veganic sprouted grain cereal," she replied in a most condescending tone.

Is veganic even a word? That was the last straw. I gathered my child and husband and left the party. Shell shocked, defeated, and exhausted, I stuffed my un-pedicured feet in my ballet shoes and hustled to the car.

In two months my son will turn one and there will be a party. However there will be no veganic sprouted grains, children named Phlox, or entertainment from Tito Jackson, the Wiggles or greasy haired, brain expanding hippies. There will however be ice cream and cake. Full fat, sugar laden ice cream and cake, cheesy party hats and a very spirited, albeit off key rendition of Happy Birthday.